Drink, Pray, Love at the Church

Challenge 3: Explore & wander 
Challenge 4: Introduce yourself to everyone
Bonus: The London Bucket List

Making friends

As my time in London is rapidly coming to an end, I have created a bit of a bucket list of things I want to do before my impending departure. Yesterday I ticked off one of London's 'must do' events for an Aussie passing through: The Church. I had heard mixed things about this notorious even that runs on a Sunday afternoon, ranging from 'it's amazing' to 'it's an experience' to 'there's bad, and then there's The Church'. All I really knew was that people get dressed up and go to have a good time on a Sunday while praying that their hangover is bearable the next day at work. For anybody considering going or for those who are just curious about what goes on, the website provides very little assistance. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to create a list of "frequently asked questions" and answers based on my chaotic four hours there.

Where does The Church take place?
The Church has recently moved from Clapham to Elephant and Castle, apparently it's 10th venue due to the unruly nature of the event. This doesn't shock me as I had heard stories about people getting to the door, vomiting on the bouncer and then still being granted entry. Upon entry you are required to go through a metal detector before having your bags checked and if you're really lucky, like the girls in front of me were, frisked by security. Once you are inside the venue you will be faced with a raised bar that overlooks a large concrete dance floor and stage, reminiscent of the former Famous nightclub in Melbourne. Classy.

Do you have to dress up?
No, you don't have to dress up but it's very much frowned upon if you don't. Donned in our matching baseball player outfits my friend and I fit right in amongst the power rangers, cowboys, animal onsesies and cross dressers that strut their stuff on the dance floor. Let's be honest, dressing up provides an opportunity to spark conversation with your fellow revellers too. For example, if I hear the words "I like your hat" one more time I'm probably going to scream. I was literally fighting off random men just to keep my plain white H&M cap on my head (I know you bought it to keep me sun smart Dad, but turns out it's just a dude magnet).

Do they accept credit and debit cards at The Church?
No, the bar staff deal exclusively in cash. It adds to the sophisticated feeling you get when they place your Smirnoff Ice or Fosters, which you buy in bulk, into a plastic bag so that you can easily carry it with you on the dance floor. As if that wasn't thoughtful enough, you're also provided with a bottle opener on the end of a lanyard for your convenience. However, if you're strapped for cash like everyone else in London, I highly recommend doing a champagne/vodka breakfast at home like we did, just to get you in the mood. Sure, you feel like an alcoholic drinking at 10:30 on a Sunday morning, but this isn't your average Sunday session.

Will there be entertainment?
Oh yes, absolutely. Don't let the information on the website fool you. While they inform you there will be cracking tunes and a comedian, only half of that statement is correct. I did thoroughly enjoy dancing to some classic 80s anthems but when they say comedian, they actually mean there's an MC who cracks a few jokes while introducing the strippers. Yep, strippers. We're not talking talented Magic Mike style strippers either. There was a lovely young lady by the name of Stephanie who did a delightful routine to Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend while removing her clothing and dancing with some large feathered fans. I don't really understand what the fans were for as they didn't cover anything by the end of the routine. I'd love to say I kept my cool during the performance but the truth is I wasn't sure where to look and the nice girl in me kept wondering how many more performances she had to do before she had enough money for med school. As if Stephanie wasn't traumatising enough then came the male stripper. I can't remember his name but I'm pretty sure it was Tyrone or something along those lines. To cut to the chase I was convinced Tyrone had something stuffed down his pants to make himself seem well endowed, however I discovered this wasn't the case when he removed his towel and began to helicopter his junk around. I knew exactly where to look this time, straight into my hands which covered my eyes while I screamed like a little school girl.

Is The Church only for Australians?
No, The Church is a mecca for a variety of backpackers and expats from Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland, America and France just to name a few. There was even the occasional Brit there. Really, it's an excellent opportunity to meet new people and become more knowledgable about the variety of cultures that can be found in this wonderful city. It's a place where amongst the cans, bottles and bags that swim around your feet, various nationalities come together for a swapping of ideas and saliva. Deals are made (for example, trading hats for kisses) and race and age don't matter (as a young Aussie lad discovered when he become acquainted with a 46 year old). It's really quite lovely when you stop to think about it. Perhaps if the world's governments sorted their issues out over chocolate body paint and made deals involving the odd cheeky pash, the world would be a better place.

Is The Church for me?
I think it takes a special kind of person to stomach The Church. If you're going to go, go with an open mind and be prepared to get your feet dirty. It's probably not the place to be if you're part of a couple as every minute there feels like 'desperate o'clock', and even as a single you'd only ever go once! In short, it's fun to get dressed up and have a dance and a laugh, but if anything my main complaint is there's probably too much class in one place to handle on a regular basis.